She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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