he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
FUCK WHALES
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