I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
