I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
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You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
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So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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