Your tits are I can't wait for
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
