He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
