T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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