He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
