is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
