well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
