look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
