the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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