When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
