lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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