he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So much rum. So many feels.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
