When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
