i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
