He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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