So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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