why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I intend to get homeless drunk
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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