mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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