So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
