All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
