My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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