Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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