I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
