i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend