Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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