My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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