i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
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We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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