I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
