just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
