quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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