Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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