my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
