If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
