If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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