Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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