Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
