I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
