Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
