Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
