the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
