I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
