i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We were destined to go to rehab together
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
