her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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