Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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