I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
