I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
