R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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