she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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