i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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