Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
