i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
me + whiskey = a bad person
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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