hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Of course I have a pirate flag
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
