Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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