I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
