I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
