I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
